How to Survive the Vampire Apocalypse
So, there’s a whole lot of information out there on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, but what if the world doesn’t end like that? What if the world ends in an alien attack, economic crash, nuclear holocaust or vampire uprising?
I know the some world ending catastrophes have all had their own guides written about them (zombies, nuclear holocaust, etc.), but what about the Vampire uprising? Seriously, I can’t believe with the number of movies and books about vampires there isn’t something out there to let the general public know how to survive the vampire apocalypse. Also, for those of you who want to be vampires, what’s your guarantee that they won’t just suck you dry? I mean, you’ll still be dead, but then you won’t get to live forever.
Thus, for all of you who don’t want to become dinner, I have scoured the myths and legends and movies to come up with a few survival tips.
1) Stock your house with lots of florescent and UV bulbs.
Theoretically its the UV part of the light is what really burns the vampires up, so you might want to get a lot of them to run in your house at night. You should probably get a generator as well, just so you can have electricity to run your bulbs in case the Vampires get smart enough to cut your power.
Light is pretty much the only thing the legends agree on as being the one thing Vampires can’t stand, so make sure you can provide a lot of it.
2) Get lots of flashlights
While the UV bulbs will work, a regular flashlight probably will too and they’ll be portable. To be extra sure make sure to get the ones with UV bulbs or at least replace the bulbs. That way you’ll have a ray gun, literally.
3) Make lots of stakes – Wood and Silver.
Vampires can’t tolerate wood or silver, so get stakes of both kinds. You might want to be able to fight hand-to-hand with them as well, but only as a last resort. You should probably even lace the stakes with garlic, which brings me to my next point…
4) Stock the heck up with Garlic!!
Dude, why wouldn’t you? Lace your weapons with it, maybe stuff some in your bullets, cook with it (so that you can breathe on them and it’ll hurt – ok, it’s nasty, but it might work. You might not get laid, but you’ll be alive) clean with it, seriously, just put it all over your house.
Put some of those UV bulbs to work and start growing it in your basement, learn how to dry it and store it. And if the cops come around, they might think you’re weird and be just a bit suspicious, but as far as I know growing garlic isn’t illegal yet…
5) Get some Crosses and Holy Water
Might as well, depends on which myth you listen to as to whether or not this works, so you could get some cool ones and if you’re in a pinch a cross made of wooden stakes will probably work just fine. And make sure it’s a crucifix, that’s always the way the do it in the movies.
Yeah, the Holy water might be a little harder to find, and I wouldn’t recommend raiding your local Catholic church, but paying a priest to bless some water for you might not be a bad idea either.
6) Get a Shotgun (and loads of extra ammo)
When are they not helpful? Even if it won’t kill them (though you could always lace them with garlic) it’ll still probably make any Vampire think twice about attacking you and it might stun them long enough for you to rush them and stab them with a stake. And if you’re wrong and the zombie apocalypse happens, you’re still prepared (and you could use the garlic to cover the stench of rotting bodies by the way).
Any other military grade weaponry that you can get your hands on can’t hurt either, just make sure you don’t get caught with it until the Vampires make law enforcement unnecessary.
7) Make friends with a Werewolf
Hey, if you can, it probably ain’t a bad idea. Just don’t hang out with them during the full moon… (Ah, why the hell not, that could be fun…. Get em boy, get that politician!!!!)
8) Get some bags of blood
We’ll call them blood bombs and make sure keep them in a sealed place so the smell won’t get out, trust me; it’ll be better that way. An easy way to do it is to get some paint grenades and replace the paint with blood). These can be used for several purposes though, such as in the event that your house is attacked you have something to act as “the rock” to be thrown in the opposite direction you want to run that will definitely attract the Vampire’s attention. You could also throw these at the Vampires to get them to attack each other (hopefully) or at your least favorite friend and give yourself more time to escape. Note: this might not always work though, some vampires are smart and will be aware that the blood will still be there in 5 minutes, you won’t be…. And speaking of friends…
9) Make sure you and your four closest friends are going to work together to survive
As we found out in “Left 4 Dead” and the hit movie “Zombie Land” four people is a pretty good number of people to run around with, one to watch each direction and enough so that if you hate one of them you can always talk to the other. Also, try to teach your friends to stay calm under fire, do live fire and Vampire attack drills once a month to keep yourselves in tip-top shape and on high alert for when the time comes. You may also want to supply your hideout with movies and music, enough to last a month or two, just to give you all something to do to pass the time. And you might also want to include a few of your more feminine friends, just to repopulate the world after it’s all over.
And if you have more than four friends invite them too, chances are that one or more of them will die in the beginning and then you’ll have ore food for the rest of you.
10) Make sure you have enough food stored for at least a year for four of your closest friends
This is just common sense. If you have to walk around every day looking for food, you’re probably not going to last long.
11) Have lots of gasoline in drums in your basement
This storage of gas is for several uses. The first is to keep your generator going (assuming you get a gasoline generator). The second is so that you can light the Vampires on fire (using Molotov cocktails or just dumping it on them) or to blow up your house when/if the vampires invaded your home, you’re the last one left and you want to take all those damn suckers with you.
12) Have some escape route planned so when you blow up your house you don’t have to die have escape root entrance covered in garlic so they can’t follow you through it, if it’s a tunnel.
This is of course assuming you live in a bat cave or something like that with an emergency exit you can keep hidden from the world while you rocket in and out of it in a gigantic black tank every now and again. Having an emergency exit might be a little more risky, but it’ll be well worth it when you finally run out of luck.
13) Be Awesome
Make sure you can hold two guns at the same time and go out in a blaze of glory, because that is always important. Come on, if you die because you can’t reload fast enough or didn’t taken enough Vampires down with you you’re not going to be remembered, so make sure your last stand is epic and full of explosions and stuff.
14) Don’t be stupid
This one covers all the basics of horror movies: don’t go out after dark, into buildings alone, leave the door open and unprotected, always stick with your buddy, etc. Using a little common sense will go a long ways to keeping you alive, even if you can’t do anything else.
While I can’t promise that you won’t die anyways or be some part of a weird plot by the Vampires, I can say these tips will go a long way from making sure you last a bit longer than your neighbors. And lets face it, if the Vampires have easier prey to go after, why would they come after a prepared genius like you? At least you should be able to survive until whatever is left of the military decides to ship everyone to their secret colony on the moon, and at that point you might want to have some good Vampire killing stories to impress the others with.
*Thanks to Brent Bishop, who’s ideas and guidance in Awesomeness will probably save my life some day!